|
Post by ecrivain on Dec 3, 2023 14:20:10 GMT
- My winter coat. First, it fits again. It's a size L Columbia that I haven't fit into in... quite a bit. (Don't get excited, I'm still XXL in most other clothes. This is a sizing anomaly). Nice that it fits because it's one of the nicest, most functional jackets I've ever owned. Which reminded me about how I acquired this coat. I was dating a gorgeous, feisty redhead at the time. (I have a type, apparently). This was a couple of decades ago. (Everything is either a couple of decades ago or last week in my head). Way above my league. Model hot. Did yoga. You getting the picture? It's not relevant to the story, I'm just bragging. We were going someplace really cold and I was under prepared (probably wearing a hoodie). She insisted, strongly, that we pull over into a mall and get a proper winter coat for me. Like, it wasn't option. And she was determined to find the right coat for me. And she did. It's perfect. Way more than I'd probably ever spent on a coat. But again, she insisted, and she was right, I would've frozen my ass off otherwise. Now, that relationship eventually devolved into something toxic. PTSD-inducing, even. (I have a type, I'm telling you). But sitting on my porch this morning, reflecting on that particular moment, I've realized what an incredible act of love and kindness that was at the time. Maybe it says something about my childhood or my attachment style, but that level of caring about someone's well-being is love to me. So, regardless of what happened before and after, for that one moment, I was loved good and hard. And I got a sweet coat.
Worth it.
|
|
|
Post by phillydude on Dec 11, 2023 2:30:16 GMT
Seven days without a post from E makes one weak.
|
|
|
Post by ecrivain on Dec 12, 2023 1:07:20 GMT
Seven days without a post from E makes one weak. Whoooo boy. You have no idea. I love you for this.
|
|
|
Post by ecrivain on Dec 12, 2023 1:37:15 GMT
- I was saved by Grace, literally.
Alright, that's all the flowery language I have in me. I need permission to speak freely, sirs. So, um, trigger warning, graphic content below, whatever. What comes after this is an emotional burden that I would not willingly put on anyone without their consent, so continuing beyond this point is your consent. Like, f'real.
(First off, it is truly a special hell to have several mental illnesses, along with the self awareness of them, without the complete disassociation to offer any relief).
But on to the blessing:
It was a close one tonight, boys. Really struggling to find purpose in all the suffering. Not just my suffering; I'm pretty used to that. I'm talking about <<<waves arms, motioning everywhere>>> all of this suffering. And I'm struggling with the notion that everyone is doing exactly what they want to be doing; which is to say, we are all willing participants in all of this <<<waves arms, motioning everywhere>>>. We are all doing all of this, all of it, of our own volition. Full consent. Enthusiastic, even. Because we could be doing something else. Every single one of us. But this is what we choose to do. And I'm right here choosing to do it to. And I'm not feeling great about that.
And I was sitting in a parking lot tonight, crying about all of this, when I got a text, checking on me.
And sumbitch if that wasn't enough to snap me out, just enough to come up with a reason to stick around til tomorrow at least. I'm not happy about it. Pretty pissed at my higher power about all of this, really.
Speaking of which, another blessing in all this mess is that I've finally figured out how to answer that question they seem to want to ask at Meetings, "What's your drug of choice?" I've never felt like I've given an honest answer, cause it's not really just alcohol or food or codependency. And it's not general addiction, cause gambling does absolutely nothing for me. It's more like self-destruction in pretty much any form. Whatever gets me close to the end. It's odd to feel relief having that answer. And that answer came about because I made it out of that damn parking lot and went for a drive. I thought about going to church to see if I could receive confession. Yah, it's been a day, boys. And I thought about trying to find a Meeting. I say "trying." That's bullshit. I was within minutes of several I know of. But I kinda wanted to get home to my dog at that point, and so I kept driving. And thanks to having some mental clarity and sober thought (blessings), I was able to recall some important parts of both Confessional and Meetings without having to attend at that exact moment, and worked through some thoughts on the drive home.
So, yah, getting checked in on is a blessing. (Thanks for that also, PD. You don't get credit for saving my life tonight, but you've already got a few of those credits from my twenties).
Truly, if there is one thing I could shout to the world, if I got the global megaphone for one moment: Just be kind to each other. I cannot tell you how many times a simple act of kindness has saved my life. But it's more than zero, cause here I am. And I'm gonna bet y'all have saved quite a few lives without knowing it, too. You beautiful sumbitches, all of you. (Also, please don't actually worry about me. I'm doing great. Here's a fitness blessing: I recently had my first cardiologist appointment. She said I had great squiggles. I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to do. People check on me. I check on people. All good. This time of year is just really fucking hard. I love you all).
|
|
|
Post by phillydude on Dec 12, 2023 14:20:39 GMT
I think we all struggle with many of the things you are feeling. We put ourselves into situations where we struggle, and then we wonder why we are struggling with them, and then we curse ourselves for not being stronger.
Changing the direction of the anger from "I'm not strong enough to weather the storm" to questioning "Why did I put myself into the storm?" can turn the tide, but it takes a deeper kind of understanding to be able to make that shift in perspective.
Most people don't want to go there. It's much easier (and much more rewarding) to rage against the dying of the light than it is to fight the darkness. And by the way... you have my number, and you know I will always take your call.
|
|
|
Post by ecrivain on Dec 12, 2023 17:35:17 GMT
you have my number, and you know I will always take your call. Heard, known, understood, appreciated, and loved. But I can't always reach for the rope when I feel like I'm drowning. I think we all struggle with many of the things you are feeling. We put ourselves into situations where we struggle, and then we wonder why we are struggling with them, and then we curse ourselves for not being stronger. Literally happened at the gym this morning. I went from walking to running on the treadmill, but still had the incline set high. I was wondering why I was struggling so hard at a pace I should be able to handle. <<<slaps forehead>>> <<<push button to decrease incline>>> Oh yah, I can just do that in real life too. Duh. The struggle is of my own making. I can just relax into it at any time. Again, hard to remember in the midst of it tho. But to be clear, I'm not sharing this to complain, or as a cry for help. But I also don't think I need to make a distinction between mental health and physical health here. They're clearly related, at least for me - my head feels better when I move my body, and I move my body better when my head is clear. I have been thinking about the Stoic mantra of "if you can endure it, don't complain about it." I'm down with that; complaining isn't useful. But I don't think it means to keep things bottled up, either. Because when I did that, I ended up in many bottles. I'd like to get to a point of being able to talk openly about these topics without causing concern or worry or upsetting people. So I guess I'm practicing on y'all.
|
|
|
Post by ecrivain on Dec 12, 2023 18:12:13 GMT
- Jogging for one "Rump Shaker," walking for a song, then (no joke, this is what queued up randomly for my running interval) running for one "Staying Alive." (You can't make this shit up).
- Baby donkeys. Have you seen them?! Adorable. A friend just got two baby miniature donkeys. Too damn cute.
- The Waffle House crew in Biltmore. Not only can they run the grill like champs, they keep the late night rowdy folks completely in check without violence or aggression. I was impressed and took note on how big bearded dudes can de-escalate touchy situations without using anything stronger than a stare. That was a good lesson, and good hashbrowns.
- Being asked to move a couch. First, it's nice to receive a simple request from a new friend, something I can do without any stress or brain power. It's such a relief. Second, it's nice to be asked. There's a counter-intuitive psychological phenomenon that occurs when you ask someone for a favor (especially a simple, achievable favor). Instead of being a burden, as you might expect, it actually helps solidify a bond. Which is an over-thinker's way of saying, I think I'm making a friend. Or at the very least, I have an opportunity to be useful.
- A cancelled 11am meeting. A little extra breathing room was nice today.
- Old Dudes Watching Rivers. We had some weather around here the other day, and the river is up quite a bit. I, myself, felt compelled to linger and watch it rage for a bit during my daily walk. I even circled back to watch it some more before going home. During that time, another old bearded dude had pulled off the side of the road and gotten out of his big old truck to stand in the cold rain and watch the river. He took some pictures and moved on. I, myself, also took some pictures. Then I noticed another old bearded dude (in shorts and flip-flops in freezing sleet, mind you) had arrived to stand and watch the river. So I moved on and give him his moment too. I don't know what draws old dudes to watch a wild river, but these are clearly my people.
Love y'all. Have the best day.
|
|
|
Post by seltzer on Dec 12, 2023 19:44:49 GMT
I could tell from your previous posts that you were struggling at times and after reading your latest my concern has grown. I don’t have any sage advice, but want to let you know that I’m always available should you need someone to talk to; if you don't still have my number I'll give it to you and you already know how to reach me online. I think you have a large support system and I encourage you to utilize it, be it friends, relatives, church, meetings, and even your dog.
|
|
|
Post by ecrivain on Dec 12, 2023 20:48:35 GMT
I could tell from your previous posts that you were struggling at times and after reading your latest my concern has grown. I don’t have any sage advice, but want to let you know that I’m always available should you need someone to talk to; if you don't still have my number I'll give it to you and you already know how to reach me online. I think you have a large support system and I encourage you to utilize it, be it friends, relatives, church, meetings, and even your dog. Look at that, I've been gone for a decade and I've already got folks worried about me after a few updates. Noted that I can't stop people from worrying. It's very sweet. It is appreciated. I do have an amazing support system and it's kept me going these 45 years. I'm a firm believer in the Defense In Depth approach. And noted that I need to find a way to approach these topics that doesn't result in people giving me phone numbers out of concern. Love y'all.
|
|
|
Post by macdiver on Dec 12, 2023 21:53:29 GMT
The only thing I will add is to take a couple of your loose ends from your two posts today and tie that into your post from yesterday with a book recommendation.
Have you read Running with Sherman by Christopher McDougall? He explains how Donkeys (animals in general but the main character is a donkey) and exercise are beneficial for mental health.
I found it a really good read but I like his books.
|
|
|
Post by ecrivain on Dec 12, 2023 22:01:50 GMT
Have you read Running with Sherman by Christopher McDougall? He explains how Donkeys (animals in general but the main character is a donkey) and exercise are beneficial for mental health. I found it a really good read but I like his books. I remember enjoying Born to Run quite a bit back in the day. This one sounds great too. Thanks for the recommendation! I've added the audiobook to my Libby list.
|
|
|
Post by ecrivain on Dec 13, 2023 21:21:00 GMT
- A last-minute invite to a meeting I didn't need to attend. (Contrast with previous blessing: "A cancelled 11am meeting."). It turned out to be incredibly entertaining, if not useful in any other way.
- Running an accidental extra interval. I got a phone call during a rest interval on the treadmill and forgot to pause the machine. After taking the call it was time to run again, and I was able to pick up the pace without terrible struggle. It's nice feeling like I'm getting my legs back. And I'm incredibly thankful my knees are holding up.
- Allopurinol. See above regarding knees. I found out awhile back that I hadn't actually done as much damage to my knees as I thought I had. I mean, marathon running, roller derby, and highland games have all taken their toll, and there's some scarring. But it turns out most of my knee pain (which got to the point I couldn't walk at times) was from gout. And when I finally humbled myself to go to a doctor and ask for treatment for it, it cleared up considerably. Life-changing.
- Needing smaller shirts. I think I'm a legit XL in dress shirts now. It's been awhile since I've been consistently single X in shirts and pants.
- Thrift Stores. Great for getting rid of old baggy clothes. Great for getting new clothes, especially when weight is still fluctuating. And great for people-watching.
|
|
|
Post by ecrivain on Dec 15, 2023 14:27:15 GMT
- Skating. I strapped the quads on my feet last night and enjoyed remembering the freedom that comes from having wheels for toes and heels.
- Working in and working around. When I was a younger, newer lifter in the gyms, I was so rigid in my programming I'd get upset if I couldn't follow my workout plan exactly. There was an older dude that used to work out at about the same time, and he'd just kinda stay out of the way and get his workout done wherever there were openings. And while I'm glad younger me learned all those textbook workouts, I'm also glad I'm mellowing into the older dude myself who doesn't feel the need to stress over accounting for every rep and rest.
- Feeling all the feelings. Tasting all the flavors. Smelling all the smells. Seeing all the colors. Taking life off mute.
|
|
|
Post by seltzer on Dec 15, 2023 18:11:45 GMT
- Skating. I strapped the quads on my feet last night and enjoyed remembering the freedom that comes from having wheels for toes and heels.
- Working in and working around. When I was a younger, newer lifter in the gyms, I was so rigid in my programming I'd get upset if I couldn't follow my workout plan exactly. There was an older dude that used to work out at about the same time, and he'd just kinda stay out of the way and get his workout done wherever there were openings. And while I'm glad younger me learned all those textbook workouts, I'm also glad I'm mellowing into the older dude myself who doesn't feel the need to stress over accounting for every rep and rest.
- Feeling all the feelings. Tasting all the flavors. Smelling all the smells. Seeing all the colors. Taking life off mute.
Love the positivity!!! While I don't suffer from gout some of Wifey's siblings do so I have an idea of what you were going through. I'm glad that you, like them, have gotten it under control because they way the would describe the episodes were nasty to listen to, let alone having to experience them.
|
|
|
Post by macdiver on Dec 25, 2023 17:20:39 GMT
Merry Christmas. Hope you are doing well.
|
|